My Family, My Headache!

My colleague, John, was adamant about not going home for the holidays. A group of us were in the office finishing a project before the Christmas break when Stacy asked, “When are you travelling home for Christmas?”

For most of us, we could hardly wait for the break. And there were several events and gatherings prompting us to travel home. Despite that, John’s answer was not unusual. With Christmas Day being on a Wednesday and Boxing Day on Thursday, the break was too short for travelling. Many people were opting to stay in Nairobi.

For those travelling upcountry, especially to Western and Nyanza regions, the journey requires meticulous planning. The cost of travel skyrockets, and the roads become packed with eager holidaymakers. Furthermore, the economy was not favourable this year. Therefore, his stand was rational.

However, what he said next caught my attention: “Noooo, nope! I don’t want any drama this year; I am not going anywhere. Sitaki family drama, Mimi, I am good!” he said unyieldingly.

“You’ve cut them off?” Stacy interjected while laughing.

“Not really, but I am tempted!” he responded.

“I get you John, families are complicated. Frankly speaking, the only reason I am travelling back home, is for the drama.” Collins interrupted. “Last year my uncle got so drunk and started spilling all the family secrets!” He chuckled. “I can’t wait to see what we discover this year!”

“Even us, we have that one uncle when he drinks, it goes from 0 to 100, real quick! Last year, it was so bad that the police were involved!” Stacy inserted.

“It was that bad?” I inquired.

“Yes, what do you mean? He was chasing us with a panga, we had to hide. Really scary you know!” She responded.

“I can relate!” John gasped. My father and his brothers can’t seem to agree on dividing their father’s property. Therefore, it’s constantly a war zone, and I am just tired.” As soon as he finished this statement, the boss walked in, and we had to pretend we were hard at work!

Family drama!

With our conversation prematurely cut off, I could not get these narratives out of my head. They were the kind of stories that made prime time. Thinking about it, it is during the holiday season that we get the most horrific stories in the news. Frequent freak accidents involving families travelling back home to make merry with their loved ones, cases of food poisoning at family get-togethers, missing children and family members, the list is endless. What makes it to the papers is just the tip of the iceberg!

The perfect family only exists in television commercials. In this season, the themes of joy, family and togetherness were at the centre of every marketing strategy. With scenes of people coming together to light a Christmas tree, a family smiling and laughing at a dinner table enjoying a meal or, my favourite narrative, people spreading the holiday cheer to the destitute and lonely during the festive season. All good stories. Intended to evoke an emotional response but often misconstruing reality.

“Micii ni ndogo.” This popular Kikuyu saying means a home is known by the smoke it emits through its chimney. A deeper meaning, however, suggests that we should not judge a home by its kitchen; a lot more goes behind closed doors. Case in point: my colleagues’ somewhat startling family dramas.

My family is not as dramatic, but during the holiday get-togethers, we get updated on all the juicy gossip involving everyone and the entire village. Often rib-cracking, add tasty meals, and you have a recipe for a good time. That’s until the shouting matches start. When sisters disagree on whose children will sleep, where and why! A very trivial matter, but a few words in, a whole can of worms is unleashed. With themes of jealousy, rivalry and spite coming up. By the time we all go to bed, people are segregated into groups, discussing the day’s events, often comparing them to last year. At least this time, no plates and pans were flying! The funny thing is that the next day, the warring parties wake up and make family breakfast together, laughing and sharing stories like nothing happened! Stonewalling at its best! Well, that’s just another day, another ‘normal’ holiday with my family!

Family dynamics may differ, but each unit has its own theatrics. In many cases, the basic family unit is made up of different personalities and, with that, natural disparities. Therefore, finding a pastor, drunkard, politician and witch doctor in the same family is not unusual. Then add their children and grandchildren, and it’s a multitude of people, each with their own experiences, personalities and opinions.

Furthermore, the family unit is not devoid of issues that separate us at national and international levels. And for most families, this plays out during the holiday season when everyone is converged for the festivities, with classism being the common divider. Consequently, you’ll find that in some families, parents give preferential treatment to children with social and financial standing. Often involving them in all family matters while side-lining the less fortunate ones. In other settings, there are unspoken expectations, silent grudges, and cases of siblings and cousins not talking to each other for years. Then, there is the contempt that breeds over black tax, especially when the burden squarely falls on a few members. All recipes for a good family drama!

A few years back, a close friend of my grandmother, Grandma Anna, had invited us to their Christmas family celebration. Anna and my grandmother had been friends for over five decades, and we were practically family. We arrived as a party of six and made ourselves comfortable; after all, this was a place we had frequently visited. She had six children: two daughters and four sons. Like my folks, they were all grown people. Grandma Anna knew how to throw a party.  There was plenty of good food, with the highlight being the ‘mbuzi choma’ and, like any good party, an overflow of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks.

Later in the evening, what seemed like a good and fun party turned into a chaotic mess. It was like the devil had chosen to grace the occasion. Leaving nothing but dramatic destruction on his path! Uncle Jimmy, Grandma Anna’s first-born son, began to throw a tantrum. More like an eruption of bottled bitterness, anger and hurt accumulated over the years. He accused his mother of bias and discrimination due to his lack of a strong financial muscle. He was shouting and yelling, frightening everyone.

When his wife interjected and tried to calm him down, she ended up on the receiving end of a loud yet silencing slap. Then, in one swift move, she was thrown over the dining table, smashing into the cutlery and serving dishes still on it, before tumbling down on the floor. Everybody shot up in surprise. Many screamed loudly, and others, like me, were frozen in fear! His wife had now passed out and was lying in a mess of brokenness and scattered food! His brothers rushed to his side to restrain him, and the ladies present hurried to attend to his wife!

A few hours later, the mess had been cleaned up, Uncle Jimmy had been segregated, and his wife had come too. She was nursing her physical, emotional and psychological pain in a room upstairs alone. The rest of us were silent in the living room, each trying to process what had just happened. Grandma Anna was still weeping, and my grandmother was by her side, consoling and assuring her of her parenting skills. Then, in the most unexpected twist, Grandma Anna’s youngest son, Uncle Charlie, decided this was the perfect moment to announce that he was getting married. Good news, right?

Wrong!

He announced that he was getting married to his niece-in-love! Uncle Charlie, often called “the forever bachelor,” declared that he was marrying his nephew’s wife, Winnie. She was present at the party with her husband and child! As if in a bizarre scene from a Tyler Perry movie, he extended his hand, signalling her to come over. Without hesitation, she jumped up, picked up her baby and walked into his embrace, leaving her husband behind in shock! And just like that, they walked out together!

What happened next is a tale for another day! But since then, Grandma Anna has never been the same, and that was the last time I ever attended a family event in their house! Where many are gathered, there is drama! So, if you are dreading or looking forward to yours this holiday season, don’t fret. You are not alone; the perfect picture family only exists in television marketing commercials!

Happy Holidays!♥