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The Movie ‘The Polygamist’ has had us on our edges for a while. Each episode searing more than the last. Here are a few lessons that each woman must learn. Knowledge is power.
1. If the women in your life put up with chaotic and problematic marriages,
They are not the right people to seek guidance from when your marriage is experiencing problems. If your mother endured cheating, fought mistresses and guarded your father at every turn so he wouldn’t step out, she will probably advise you to do the same. If she buried her head down and hoped and prayed that her man would change, that is likely the advice she would offer you, too.
2. No woman is above the program.
If you think you are special, that you can change a man or make him better, newsflash: you are not. Whatever a man does to one woman, he is likely to do it to you, too. If a man cheats on his wife with you, he will cheat on you with someone else. Just because he is with you now, doesn’t mean you are the one, it simply means you are the woman who’s currently giving him access, and that may change when another woman comes along.
3. A cheat is a cheat.
For years, we have heard tales that men cheat because of women. You’ve heard statements like, ‘this woman tempted him, seduced him, or his wife was too much or not enough,’ a quiet conditioning that pins the blame on women for something that is not their fault in the first place.
As women, we need to understand that there is nothing we can do to make a man cheat if he doesn’t want to. Likewise, there is nothing you can do to prevent a man from cheating if he wants to. It is not about us, and it has never been.
4. Don’t forgive a cheat.
You should have a bottom line, and this is one. As shown in the movie, what you tolerate only persists and gets worse. If you forgive a cheat once, you are likely to forgive him again and again. What follows is a case of temporary insanity and a life of despair, so for your own self-preservation, it is best to leave at the first strike instead of waiting 20 years later to walk away.
5. Build a man at your risk.
There are plenty of men who take advantage of a woman’s genuine love and use that as a stepping stone to propel themselves forward. Case in point, Essie and Joyce Gomora. If you must build with a man, ensure your name, your three government names, and not just Mrs. whoever, are on every document, to anything and everything you own as a couple. It’s girl math.
6. A man can hate you and still have sex with you.
Don’t get it twisted, sex is only emotional to a woman; to a man, it is just physical. So, romping up with a man does not mean anything; it doesn’t mean you are special, chosen or the one. He can hide you from the world like a little dirty secret and still come for an occasional smash when it is convenient for him. He can look down on you and despise your entire existence and still hold you all night long.
7. It doesn’t pay to be a good woman.
The definition of a good woman, as depicted in the movie and in society in general, is a woman who will hold it down through floods or droughts, through thick and thin. A woman who stands by her man, defends him in public, shields him and allows him to do as he pleases.
A strong woman. If your man describes you as strong, just know you are in the wrong relationship. Blind loyalty is not a good colour on women. If you show a man that you can stand by him through everything, he will drag you through everything with thorns and glass shards on top.
8. Women are the problem.
It was funny to see the minister’s wife and Joyce’s mother in the movie pinching Matiba on her mid-section for being a home wrecker, but remaining quiet around Jonasi. No matter how you argue it out, women are the biggest defenders of the patriarchy.
Mothers defend their sons; wives defend their husbands, and it’s always the other woman’s fault. Never is the man held accountable. So instead of fighting the other woman, attacking them and whipping them, channel that anger to your husband; he is the one who owes loyalty. Also, why would you intentionally give any access to a married man?
9. Your children are watching and learning.
Children are highly sensitive to the emotions of the adults around them. They will remember days when you cried alone in your bedroom or days when Daddy had outbursts at the dinner table; they will remember it all. Staying in an abusive relationship teaches your kids that abuse is normal and okay. You are teaching your sons to give violence and your daughters to expect it and put up with it.
10. Marriage is not the end goal.
As an African daughter, we grew up with a quiet but steady conditioning into being wive. Statements like, ‘Is this how you will cook for your husband? Who will marry you? Your husband this, your husband that, so it naturally fell like marriage is the end goal for a woman. It is not. Self-fulfilment is the end goal. Living your life for yourself, on your own terms, is the end goal.
11. Have a life.
Sometimes, when marriage and children enter the picture, the self is swallowed up in the new dynamic. Ensure you have a life outside your husband and children. Strive for yourself as much as you do for your family.
Have friends, create a community, have hobbies, join a book club or a gym, or start a movement. Build something with your name, Jane, and not just Mrs. or mummy. With a full life, if your husband leaves, your entire world won’t crumble, as he is only a part of your life, not the entire thing.
12. Be financially empowered.
Money makes the world go round; hence, a woman who is financially empowered is powerful. Financial literacy is the bedrock with which you can build a fulfilling life.
Having financial independence, separate from your husband, gives you the ability to leave freely when the rain starts beating. If you have a joint account or business together, let your name be on everything as well, not out of fear but self-preservation.
13. You can’t be too careful.
Please don’t think Joyce’s story can’t happen to you. Hashtag, can never be me, you will be surprised. A man can charm his way into your life, and that would be your biggest regret. You can do everything right, go for therapy, heal, have a life and money, and still a man blows all that up. Just pray that that doesn’t happen to you, and if it does, you will have the grace and strength to walk away before it is too late.
14. Married men hardly leave their wives.
Most men are selfish; they like to have their cake and eat it too. They like to have the best of both worlds. His wife brings him stability, while you, the side chick, bring him excitement; together, they make the man very happy. It is delusional to think you can poach a married man from his wife and family, and if he does, it is just a matter of time before he escapes you to be with another exciting ‘thing’.
15. Social media is not a real place.
Please don’t envy or admire what you see online. Don’t let that be the measure you live your life by. Don’t compare your situation to anyone else’s; everything is not always as it seems. Also, social media does not tell the whole story; perhaps that cute and viral photo shoot was taken under duress. That power couple you imagine also have their own hidden skeletons, they don’t let the world see.
16. A man is not the prize; you are.
Even the bible says, ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing’. It doesn’t read, ‘she that finds a husband finds a good thing.’ It is HE who finds a wife, so don’t degrade yourself by chasing, rushing, and falling over yourself to prove your worth to a man. If a man wishes to leave, let him. If he thinks he can find better, let him. This is not an invitation to perform and fight for him, making a clown out of yourself. You are the prize.
17. A man will treat you how you allow him to.
If you show a man that your boundaries are just decorations, he will treat them as such. If you show him there are consequences of crossing you, he will either toe the line or leave. A man will only respect you if you respect yourself, and sometimes the best way to communicate that is to walk away.
Bonus Tip
A fish and a bird cannot date. The intro depiction of the polygamist illustrates this analogy: to a bird, fish is food, and so when the two meet, the fish is swallowed, revealing the name ‘The Polygamist’. Like the birds and the bees, stripes and stripes, spots and spots, a fish and a bird cannot live together harmoniously.
It could be a difference of upbringing, character, family, stature or class. When there are too many differences between loved ones, love does not always conquer all. These little things eventually get in the way, and the only way forward is for one person to fully conform to the other. ♥
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