Will you be my prom date? Will you be my girlfriend? Will you marry me?
The music and movie culture has over-popularised the use and importance of these questions in dating and relationships. They can be asked plainly, creatively or spread across the sky using pink vapour trails from a chopper!
Either way, all are good gestures that can leave your cheeks flushed and your stomach filled with butterflies. On the flip side, there is a question we don’t hear much, yet it is the most important in all relationships – Will you have sex with me?
Consent. A grey area we like to skip over. Perhaps it is not as romantic as all other questions asked. Maybe we don’t know how to talk about sex, especially with the opposite gender, or simply bringing it up will kill the vibe. So, we assume. We assume that if there is mutual attraction, things will elevate towards that direction. Also, we assume that the body cues will guide us.
However, we soon learn that assumption is the fine line between pleasure and pressure. The big question then becomes, when does assumption become abuse? Let’s dive into the meaning of consent.
What’s Consent?
Consent is an explicit, enthusiastic and informed agreement to participate in a specific activity. Therefore, sexual consent is an agreement to participate in a sexual activity. It is an ongoing conversation. It is not a one-time fit-all affirmation. Just because you had sex with someone today doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you tomorrow!
Sexual consent requires all parties to freely and willingly agree to engage in coitus without fear, manipulation or pressure. In the presence of fear, manipulation and pressure, it graduates to sexual abuse and coercion.
Therefore, sexual consent is a fundamental concept that serves as the cornerstone of healthy, respectful relationships. You require a partner who understands consent and respects you enough to let you be. “No means No” is not just a phrase or a mere slogan; it is a vital message about the necessity of mutual agreement and respect in all sexual encounters.
Consent For a Woman.
I wish all was well with our world. No suffering and no pain. Where all men loved and respected women, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Unfortunately, the world we live in is not a utopia, and as a woman, you need to protect yourself. You may not have the physical strength to fight off every heckling man, but you can equip yourself with knowledge. That’s your weapon, honey.
1. Silence Is Not Consent.
Sex is the most consequential thing a woman can engage in. In the absence of proper protective measures, you can get pregnant or sexually transmitted diseases. It is also how you become attached and trapped in a toxic relationship. Therefore, it is important to know that your silence is not cute!
Consent must be explicitly communicated verbally. Don’t go off on assumptions. Before making sexual advances on someone, you need to know they want to be sexual with you, too. Don’t assume he knows you want or don’t want sex. Own your decisions, say yes and acknowledge the risks of it all. Or say no and accept the consequences of that decision.
2. You Are Allowed to Change Your Mind.
A prior yes doesn’t guarantee future consent. Just because you had sex with someone today doesn’t mean you will want them tomorrow. Also, you could be getting down in the thick of things and have a change of mind; you are not obliged to continue. You can stop at any time, and your partner must respect that.
Consent is never implied by past behaviour, such as where you go or what you wear. Just because you dress in a sexy and slutty manner doesn’t make you a slut. You are not inviting anybody to have sex with you. Also, it is not your responsibility to police anyone. Own your power and just be yourself.
A man invites you over for a sleepover, and you oblige. Does this interpret as consent? Does coming over mean having sex? Is this his expectation? You need to discuss these things beforehand and before accepting the sleepover date. You don’t want to be blindsided, feeling like you need to have sex with this man because you don’t know how he will react if you say no! You need to know prior to making an informed decision before you go over.
3. Be Firm and Specific.
As a woman, you need to be very decisive. Learn how to stand on your decisions and be firm about them. Let your No be No, and let your Yes be Yes. Also, let how you say these words be clear and firm. Shout if you must because the intonation can make all the difference. If you are playful when saying No, that can be interpreted as an invitation to continue
Also, you need to be very specific about what you are willing and not willing to do. You can consent to kissing and making out in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you have consented to sex. You can consent to BDSM while a person is dominating you in humiliating ways in the bedroom, but draw the line at peeing at you, for instance.
4. Consent Is Needed All the Time.
Did you know there is rape in marriages? Yes, it occurs when a woman is forced to fulfil their marital obligations. It is shocking, really, and so many women suffer marital rape because, essentially, it is assumed that each partner has conjugal rights. Consent is required in every interaction regardless of the type of relationship or its length. Sexual boundaries and respect must be upheld in every interaction.
5. Don’t Keep Quiet.
In the event of rape, or sexual coercion, you must hold those people accountable. Report them to relevant officials and let everyone know they are sexual predators. Research shows that 9 in 10 women have been sexually harassed or abused at some point in their lives. And if you sit with a group of women, every one of them will have a horrifying sexual harassment encounter.
However, we are taught to keep quiet about it because it affects our husbands, brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins, neighbours and male friends. Also, in the eyes of society, the woman is to blame for purely existing alongside men! However, the more you stay silent, the more it eats at you on the inside. You don’t have to shout about it, but at least let somebody know- for your peace of mind.
What The Kenyan Law Says About Consent.
The Sexual Offences Act of 2006 defines consent as agreeing by choice and having the freedom and capacity to have sex. It also emphasises the importance of free will and the ability to decide without coercion or deceit.
The Act also states that the age of consent is 18 years old. Therefore, having sexual acts with persons under 18 is illegal and can result in serious consequences such as life imprisonment. The Kenyan Constitution also explains people who can’t consent to sex include:
- People below 18 years old.
- People who are not of sound mind or lack the mental ability to make such a decision.
- Any person used or threatened to engage in sex by the perpetrator.
- Any person under fear to engage in sex
- Any person who is unconscious or asleep
- Any person who is not able to communicate consent due to a disability issue
- Any person who is drugged or overpowered at the time of the Act.
In other countries, people who are high, drunk or passed out can’t consent to sex.
The Take Away
The principle of ‘No means No’ is about more than preventing sexual violence. It’s about creating a world where everyone feels safe, respected and valued. On the flip side, ‘Yes means Yes’ carries the power of affirmative consent. It shifts the focus from rejecting unwanted advances to actively ensuring enthusiastic participation. Whichever floats your boat, using either creates respectful and consensual relationships. ♥
Mourine Warui is a media and communication expert and seasoned writer. Her goal is to empower and offer solutions to everyday girl’s problems while provoking candid and authentic conversations. Other goals are to provide inspiration and entertainment to readers through creative, thought-provoking and edgy stories.
