Are You a Pick-Me-Sha?

Last week I was having lunch with a group of friends. As usual, the conversations were thought-provoking and full of laughter. The topic of the day was relationships, in particular romantic relationships; the debate was getting heated. Then, while one of the ladies was making her point, she was rudely interrupted by three others, who accused her of being a ‘Pick-Me’ girl. The sting in her eyes was undeniable. In a fit of hidden rage, she grabbed her stuff and walked away, leaving us stunned and awkwardly looking at each other.

Has Someone Ever Called You A ‘Pick-Me’ Girl?

In the age of social media, feminism, and shifting gender dynamics, few terms have sparked as much conversation and controversy as ‘Pick-Me’. The phrase, often referred to as the playful version ‘Pick-Me-Sha,’ has made its way into everyday conversations, comment sections, and feminist debates. However, who exactly is a ‘Pick-Me’ girl? Where did the term come from, and why does it carry such a sting? Read on to find out!

The Origin.

The phrase ‘Pick-Me’ originated from the African American Vernacular English. It gained popularity through online discussions in the early 2010s. Initially, it was used to describe women who sought male validation by belittling other women. Often, in the hopes of being ‘chosen’ by men. Hence the term ‘pick me’.

Social media platforms like TikTok, YouTube and Twitter have amplified the phrase, turning it into both a meme and a cultural critique. The term ‘Pick-Me-Sha’ has an African American flavour, which adds humour and personality to the concept. As well as maintaining its original critique of internalised misogyny and performative behaviour for male approval.

Who Is a Pick-Me Girl?

A Pick-Me girl is a woman who goes out of her way to differentiate herself from other women to gain the favour or attention of men. You will hear her make statements like:

• “I am not like other girls.”
• “I don’t wear make-up- I have nothing to hide.”
• “I am one of the guys.”
• “I don’t understand why women complain so much about men-I get along with them just fine.”

Her behaviour and mannerisms also echo these ideas. While these statements may seem harmless on the surface, the underlying message is often that traditional female interests, femininity and solidarity are inferior. And that the approval of men is the ultimate reward.

Common Characteristics of a Pick-Me Girl.

1. Seeks Male Validation.

Girls who are ‘Pick-Me’s’ often have a desire to be seen as the ‘ideal ‘woman to men. The low-maintenance woman, who is natural and doesn’t need make-up. The one who is agreeable and unproblematic. She often goes out of her way to prove that the shoe fits. Consequently, she downplays her opinions and preferences to align with what men want to hear. To her, the acceptance of men, their attention, and approval are her ultimate rewards.

2. Puts Other Women Down.

A ‘Pick-Me-Sha’ is the greatest critique of other women. She believes that distancing herself from typical women makes her more appealing to men. Therefore, she might criticise other women for being ‘too emotional,’ ‘too loud,’ ‘too independent,’ and ‘too dramatic.’ As she critiques, she points out that she is not like that, making her the special one.

3. Dismisses Feminist Conversations.

Pick-Me girls often downplay issues that affect women. Issues like sexism or double standards somehow don’t apply to her. She claims that ‘not all men are like that’. While this may be true in some instances, for a ‘Pick-Me’, this is her default stance. You will also hear her blaming women and accusing them of ‘overreacting’.

4. Men Can Do No Wrong.

Girls who are ‘Pick-Me’s have an unusual understanding of male flaws. In their eyes, men can do no wrong! They could be dating a man who is a serial cheater, but she blames herself for not doing things right to prevent him from cheating. If she finds her man with another woman, she automatically accuses the woman of seducing her man.

She is more than accommodating to men. If a girl is assaulted, for instance, she will be the first to question the girl for what she was wearing and what she was doing with the man in the first place. It seems twisted, but this is a deep conditioning and belief that men are superior and thus women are inferior to them.

5. Emphasises ‘Wifey’ Traits.

Many Pick-Me behaviours are rooted in proving their worthiness to men. Therefore, even if she may reject overt femininity, she still shapes her behaviour to appeal to men. It could be through being overly agreeable, always understanding of male flaws, or being submissive.

Also, they go out of their way to prove that they are a good wife and partner. They will cook, clean and be accommodating to show she is not like these other women who can’t cook or clean.

The Take Away.

Being called a Pick-Me-Sha may sting. However, it can also be an excellent opportunity for reflection. The truth is, many women have internalised some form of “Pick-Me” behaviour because society has conditioned them to equate worth with desirability. News flash: you don’t have to be picked or chosen to be worthy; you already are! ❤️