Mother’s Day: The Flip Side.

The universal aspect of all relationships is that they are messy. As long as you are not an island and need other people to survive and even thrive, locking heads is inevitable. Ironically, this unifying aspect is what makes life interesting. Conflicts, when handled well, help us grow into better people. When people grate on you, they force you to style up. Also, no relationship is spared, whether between business partners, friends, or lovers. So, why do we expect the relationships between a mother and child to be seamless? 

Mother’s Day. Every 2nd Sunday of May, every year, the world comes together to commemorate and recognize the efforts of mothers. We roll out the red carpet, tripping over ourselves to make our mothers feel special on this day. And with good reason: the unending, unconditional love of a mother. 

However, the concept of a mother’s love has been so idealized that we put our mothers on a pedestal. For this, I blame the over-commercialization of Mother’s Day, religion, and society. The nice blend of the three has produced an excellent cocktail of unrealistic views of mothers and motherhood. A total misrepresentation of reality.

Every corner has a Mother’s Day offer: a bouquet package, brunch, dinner, and gift cards. Lord knows the marketing adverts don’t help either. A doting mother smiling, hugging her ever-amused children, and feeding them delicious meals, of course, with the particular product in the picture. Plus, the use of timeless music, such as ‘Mama’ by Boys to Men or ‘Mom Like Mine’ by Meghan Trainor, elicits various emotions you can’t help but call your mother! 

In addition, the images of ‘mothers in the wild’ on National Geographic only fuel the fire. Granted, you’ve heard or used phrases such as, ‘God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created moms’ or ‘Your mom is your second God.’ Such statements, however well intended, are improbable. They purport that mothers are holy creatures who can do no wrong or supernatural beings when they are simply human. Sadly, we also live in a cultural world that holds little space for mothers to be humans.

In this society, every woman is expected to be a ‘good mother.’ Being a ‘good mother’ means nurturing, warm, loving, and putting everyone else first. Anything that contradicts this notion classifies one as a ‘bad mother.’ This romanticism of mothers is not only cruel but also toxic. It’s unfortunate that mothers have had to deal with this insurmountable pressure for years with no days off. 

The impression that mothers should self-neglect for their children and family is ailing our society. Anyone who has tried it can attest that it’s not sustainable and only builds resentment. In addition, our mothers don’t talk about it. They only talk about the joys of motherhood. But if this were true, why do most mothers shout at their children? Is it a form of release? Because, like most things under pressure, they, too, are bound to break.

Therefore, the idea that every mother is selfless, loving, and always affectionate to their children is untrue. Yet nobody talks about it. Not especially on Mother’s Day. Then, what happens when the love you see depicted in the media does not reflect the love you experience from your mother? 

Mother Wounds.

Do you know that aside from Mother’s Day gifts, the other most commonly searched topic around Mother’s Day is Mother Wounds? Quickly followed by questions like, ‘Is it normal to not like your mother? How to deal with unbearable mothers? Why do I feel no connection to my mother?’. 

A mother wound is a psychological trauma caused by a mother’s inability, for whatever reasons, to love or provide safety, emotional stability, and affection to her child. Consequently, it makes the child feel abandoned, unloved, and unworthy of care. Thus, creating a cycle of dysfunction in the society.

There are severe repercussions for a culture that idealizes and undermines mothers at the same time. For centuries, the society has assigned mothers the role of primary caregiver. Moms are responsible for all family issues. The same society has also excused men from real fathering and involvement in their families’ lives.

We have normalized having deadbeat dads such that it’s all we talk about on Father’s Day. As a result, mothers are forced to take up the load and shoulder the burden on their own; when they don’t, there are extensive consequences. I mean, if your mother can’t love you, who else on earth can?

Just because mothers take up the mantle does not mean they are happy about it. Therefore, with nowhere to turn to, an unloving society, and crippling expectations, some mothers grow resentful and take it out on their children. After all, if a mother feels unloved, how can she possibly love herself? Furthermore, how can she love anyone else? It stems from the fact that you can only give what you have. 

You’ve probably heard stories of mothers who beat their children black and blue for breaking a cup. Or those that lock them out at night with no food for merely breathing loudly. Some talk smack and make insensitive comments about their children’s capabilities and physical appearances. Other mothers are endearing and want to control every aspect of their children. 

Then there are those mothers who go out of their way to make you feel small and insignificant. You have to earn her love through accolades and achievements. So, you work hard to get that ‘I am proud of you’ compliment, but all you get is a grin and a list of all the things you could have done better. If that’s your mother, you wonder where is all the ‘unconditional love’ that everyone is talking about?

According to an article on Oprah Daily, mother wounds can be passed down from one generation to another because a wounded mother is also a wounded child. Further research shows that we all carry some degree of mother wounds because, unlike what we have been taught to believe, moms are human and are bound to make mistakes.

So, when someone says you are just like your mother, do you see it as a compliment or an insult? You look at her, and you see it. The humour, boldness, loud mouth, and quirkiness. All attributes that you are proud of. A second glance, and you see it. The timidness, short temper, stubbornness, and other things you are not eager to talk about in your CV. Then you look at your grandmother and understand where mom gets it!

Perhaps you’ve also heard your mother lament countless times about not wanting to have children or how she sacrificed her career and ambitions to raise you and your siblings. Her only wish is that you don’t end up like her. She doesn’t say it, but you see it in her eyes and the desire to be you-free. This intricate dance of envy and rejection describes most mother-daughter relationships.

Sons are not spared either. You’ll find some struggle to connect with their mothers. Subsequently, they find it hard to relate to women in the world. Others have a strong dislike for their mothers, and it’s reflected in how they treat ensuing women. Hence, the rise of femicide and other incidents of gender-based violence.

Thus, to break these cycles of dysfunction in our homes and society, let’s create a space where moms are allowed to be human. If we stop idealizing and undermining our mothers, they can talk openly about the difficulties of motherhood. If we empower them, they can also empower us. It’s the power of the ripple effect. 

If you have a strained relationship with your mother, acknowledging and discussing it is how you set yourself free. It can be challenging, especially in a society where saying anything negative about your mother feels treacherous. However, discussing it openly is not meant to bash mothers but to humanize them. It takes them off the pedestal. Plus, they could use a break from all the pressure. 

Besides, you take back your power by refusing to be a victim of your circumstances. It’s not your fault that your mother falls short of ideal standards—chances are, it’s not her fault either. However, it is your responsibility to bridge the gap and heal your mother’s wounds so that you don’t pass them down to your child.

Picture this: It is Mother’s Day, and you have visited your mother and gifted her flowers or her favourite perfume. You are both seated in the living room, watching the endless Mother’s Day adverts. You know that’s not how your mother is; sadly, she also knows that’s not how she feels about her children. In that instance, you both feel sad, insufficient, dejected, and inadequate. What’s worse is you don’t talk about it! This cycle will go on to the next year and the following year until you realise you can’t change your mother. But you can accept and love her for who and where she is. 

On that note, happy Mother’s Day to all mothers on the spectrum. ♥