Grief is never-ending. You may think you are well on your way and doing better than last year, but something happens, often very trivial, that sets you back. Bringing back waves of sorrow. More so, the holiday season tends to bring loss into sharper focus.
The first holiday after the loss of a loved one is excruciatingly devastating. With death, traditions are broken. Perhaps your grandmother died, and now, nobody wants to travel upcountry for the usual Christmas get-together. Or your parent died, and now Christmas dinner feels incomplete. Suddenly, home feels like a strange land.
The internal sorrow can be overwhelming. Besides, it is hard to be happy and merry when you are constantly reminded of what you are missing. The holiday season then becomes a sore spot. One that is continuously triggered by anything from a child’s smile or a comment by a stranger to a TV commercial.
Be as it may, it is still possible to honour your emotions while finding ways to navigate this season with resilience and grace. Therefore, if this time is particularly hard for you, here are some helpful tips to help you cope with grief during the holiday season.
1. Acknowledge Your Grief.
Grief is deeply personal, and everyone experiences it differently. But like all emotions, grief and pain demands to be felt. Any effort to numb or run away from it only leads to a pitfall for self-distraction. Therefore, acknowledge your pain despite the temptation to suppress your emotions this festive season for the good of the holiday spirit.
Truth be told, the emotions can be overwhelming and a tad confusing. One moment, you are grateful for what you have; the next, you are angry, then sad, with spasms of guilt. A random thought makes you cry. Other times, you feel intense pain that you can hardly breathe. Afterwards, you wipe the tears and feel immense joy for the shared memories. A lot! However, these are all valid responses to loss, so validate them.
You validate your emotions by feeling them. Allow every emotion to pass through you without holding on to it and without judgment. Then, express it. Journal in your diary, cry if you must or punch the pillow until you feel better. Better yet, talk to someone, a trusted friend, a family member or a therapist. All these will help you process those emotions.
2. Set Boundaries.
Boundaries are tools of empowerment and self-preservation. You will need them, especially if you are grieving this holiday season. To set clear boundaries, you need to be attuned and highly self-aware. Holiday obligations can be draining and your emotional capacity will dictate what you are willing and not willing to handle this festive season.
Give yourself permission to decline invitations. Or modify traditions that feel too difficult to handle. Traditions can be a source of comfort, but being the first holiday after the loss of a loved one, they can be painful. Therefore, you need to create a holiday that aligns with your emotional capacity. Alternatively, you can skip the festivities altogether, and it is okay.
Remember to communicate with your loved ones; don’t just disappear or self-isolate. How will your loved ones know what you need when you don’t communicate? And how can they show up for you if you shut them out? It is okay to say, ‘I am going through a hard time right now and need space. I’ll reach out tomorrow.’ Or, ‘I need you right now. I don’t want to be alone this season.’
3. Honour Your Loved One.
Acceptance is the last step of any grieving process. When you do get there, the burden of loss becomes more manageable. It’s easier said than done, though! It takes a lot of intentionality and will to move forward. To accept the reality that someone so dear and close to you is no more.
The harsh truth is that life moves on regardless. And at some point, you will have to move forward, too. But as you move, you can still honour them. Therefore, in this holiday season, you can find a way to incorporate your loved one’s memory into the festivities. Here’s how to do that:
- Light a candle for them.
- Prepare their favourite meal.
- Create an online tribute for them.
- Say a prayer for them before the holiday dinner.
- Tell a few stories about them.
- Have a dinner or lunch in their honour.
This cannot be rushed. Give it a time and a place. Also, don’t force it. Let it happen organically. Just like you have the right to dictate what you want to participate in, let the other grieving family members have a say. Forcing your agenda is a recipe for strain on an already strained time.
4. Create New Traditions.
Death is like a ticking time bomb. Once the time is up, it erupts and blows everything up. Destroying anything on its way and changing all you have ever known. Grieving allows us to pick up the pieces and salvage what is left behind. It is painful, and while in the thick of it, it is easy to believe you will never enjoy the festive season again.
Granted, it will never be the same as before. However, as life progresses, you will find a seeding ground. New people come into your life, and now you can’t imagine your life without them. You create new traditions and slowly find a rekindled holiday spirit. You learn to hold space for both loss and the latest findings. And with this, new traditions.
Death can bring people closer or tear them apart. Therefore, keep a hopeful mind that flowers will bloom in place of this loss. And when they do, grab on! Make merry, make new memories, and be present because life has already taught you that in this world, we are not meant to stay!
5. Be Gentle with Yourself.
Death is exhausting. Grieving during the holiday season sucks! It’s just the worst. And it can be tempting to rush through it. A ‘get over it’ approach. It may work for a short while but never the long haul.
So be gentle with yourself. Do not criticise yourself for feeling emotions you thought you had ‘dealt with’. Do not suppress anything and keep feelings bottled up. If you have 1000 tears to cry, don’t stop at 500. If you are angry, visit a ‘rage or smash room’ and destroy things in a controlled environment. Just be!
The Take-Away.
The holiday season may never feel the same after the loss. It’s natural to struggle with joy when grief lingers. It is expected to feel apprehensive about it, and you are not alone in feeling this way. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to approach the holiday season following the loss of a loved one. Just be kind to yourself and take it a step at a time. Wishing you peace and comfort this holiday season.
Happy Holidays! ♥
Mourine Warui is a media and communication expert and seasoned writer. Her goal is to empower and offer solutions to everyday girl’s problems while provoking candid and authentic conversations. Other goals are to provide inspiration and entertainment to readers through creative, thought-provoking and edgy stories.
